Frustration

So, I have been doing a lot lately; trying to stay busy and stay positive.  Amidst all of the movement I was feeling a bit of burn out so I decided to treat myself to a tarot reading with a dope, spiritually-attuned reader that I frequent.  The reading and follow-up conversation was dope, as always, but I came to the realization that I have been holding a lot of frustration in the name of being a “good, positive person,” so naturally I ran to the internet to vent.  Love and light is a beautiful thing, but from time to time there are things that need to be addressed in order to avoid poisoning oneself.

Frustration is a real and tangible thing, and I have been frustrated most of my life.  I have always been different, (I prefer the term “delightfully odd) and this “difference” frequently results in the community at large trying to assimilate me, much to my chagrin.  This frustration multiplies infinitely because I am a Gemini and have a dual nature.  On one hand I am judgmental, stern, and believe strongly in accountability; on the other hand I accept people as they are and crave authenticity to a fault.  Although these things sound contradictory, they come together in a beautiful storm that is me.  Perhaps uniquely I am capable of seeing a person and loving them as they are, yet that love leads me to frustration when the actions one takes directly contradict with the desires that the person expresses.  For a hypothetical example, say a friend says they want to be in better shape, I offer to work out with them because I want to see them achieve their goal. We schedule regular workout sessions which they attend and make excuses not to work out to a reasonable degree to increase their health and strength.  Subsequently, I point out that they are not making their workouts worthwhile (and I saw worthwhile because I’ve calmed down a lot from “maximized” as I’ve realized that everyone doesn’t go hard in the paint, but there also is a threshold of making the effort “worth it”) which is compounded by the fact that I am (willingly) taking my time to support, but I don’t want to waste time/effort for someone who is simply looking to performative “act” as if they want the outcome, but is unwilling to put forth sufficient effort to achieve the goal.  Largely I think this frustration arises because I (although not perfect) try to accept people as they are; it’s ok if you want to be however you want to be regardless of what society says, just own it.  Admittedly, I understand the pressure that society puts on people to fit an ideal, however I try to be different and provide a space for authenticity, and I despise having that aspect of my nature hijacked to provide cover for someone who is seeking a cover story.

Another thing that causes frustration is the consistent vetting process that accompanies being a citizen of the world.  Don’t get me wrong, I get it…communities seek to protect themselves and the values that they hold, and when this weird chick shows up wanting to interact they need to know who I am, what I do, am I dangerous, etc.  Yet I am being honest with my experience and it is frustrating and hurtful to endure the invasion of privacy, the testing, the prodding, the pushing of triggers to see how I react, the recognition of skills and talents that I have, then expecting me to use those talents for the benefit of said community.  Granted I want to do work that benefits others, but it hurts me that I am put through such experiences prior to being able to do the good that I can and the expectation that I simply swallow whatever vetting process said community came up with.  For the most part I think most people choose a community, go through the vetting process, and settle down in that community; however I am someone who will go wherever I think that there is useful information, and while that is my choice it is draining.  Truth be told, I have several people that deserve a cussing out right now, but I recognize the futility in lashing out; but I want to.  I find myself left with the scars of these interactions, nowhere to put the pain, and no real apologies/explanations outside of “we have to do what we have to do to protect ourselves/ let it go, and the like).  My heart is full of frustration because having people test my ethics, principles, morals, and values is very taxing because although I hold to these values, it doesn’t mean that these things don’t hurt…I feel very deeply and behaving ethically when I’m tested taxes my emotions even though I don’t want to dump the pain back onto those who inflicted because I recognize the futility (for example, if someone assumes that you wont show so they don’t put forth effort, then they realized that you will show up and going forward they will do better, and while the outcome is good, it doesn’t remove the pain/frustration of showing up for someone and seeing that they didn’t believe in you).  My heart is in tatters from the confusion, uncertainty, and games that I have endured; I will persist, and I am appreciative of the gifts and community that I benefit from, but I am also frustrated by the process, especially considering that I seriously doubt that others have been subjected to the same treatment that I have (like seriously, I could tell stories but I won’t- to protect the guilty, but the things I have been subjected to are nowhere within the “normal” vetting behaviors; been  prompted to talk about your life/past, being presented with tasks that you claim that you claim that you can do and observed doing it, etc.).  My mental and psychological is tired from existing in a society that just doesn’t seem built for me.

Lastly, I am frustrated by a lack of love and gentleness.  Generally I am a person that pitches in and carries her own weight, and I am aware how this can lead to carrying a heavy load or being taken for granted, especially around those who are looking for at best, resources, at worst, someone to take advantage of.  I am tired of not being my genuine giving, caring, considerate self and not having that taken advantage of.  I am lonely and desire genuine connection and community, but I am not interested in “buying” it by accepting anything and any behavior.  Where are the people that appreciate, protect, and nurture collective collaboration and community?  Where are the people that not only deal out accountability but accept it as well?  Where are the people that not only seek to mold and cultivate the talents of new members of the community but seek to accommodate and be molded by those new perspectives?  I am tired of going from being a potential villain to an expected saint/savior who is supposed to work herself into an early grave performing all of these tasks, solving problems and providing logic, and otherwise spinning straw into gold (Rumplestiltskin reference), etc.  Where is the home where I am accepted, welcomed with open arms, and not made to feel like I am some potential ticking time bomb that must be controlled, directed, examined, and dissected lest I become a problem, while I am simultaneously expected to give my gifts with little expectation, or if I have expectation I am expected to quantify it as if I am for sale.  I want to be around people who feed each other; people who genuinely love each other for who/how they are, and want to see you be your best and grow just because you are; those who intrinsically see my value the same way I do, and are honest and realistic about who they are, how they are, what they want, what they can give, etc.  Give me honesty and transparency even if it pisses me off; accept the fact that I may be angered by some things and understand that it is ok…it is not natural (in my opinion) for humans to be constantly pleased with everything with nary a correction or complaint; and I think that such behavior is a facade designed to make people feel good and comfortable, and thus easier to control.  I don’t want people to be around me due to a facade or hiding parts of myself that I think they might not like; I want a tribe that loves me regardless of the ups and downs, corrects me when I am wrong, celebrates me when I am right, and seeks the same from me.  Maybe I am a dreamer, but if I can dream it it can exist; if the Wright brothers can dream of flying and actually construct a plane and birth aviation, than I can dream of an ideal community and birth it; the trials and tribulations of finding it are killing me, but I will die without it.  Death is inevitable anyway, so I am going for what I see as true…I will see it in my lifetime, if even for a moment.