As a child I would trade words and insults with my cousins (as one does), and for the most part it was mundane. However, there was one insult that really stuck with e; cry baby robot. Lately I’ve been asking myself why cry baby robot bothered me so much and my conclusion was frustration over the absurdity of the comment. Clearly I was not a robot so the robot aspect of the accusation was false. Likewise I was not a baby, in fact my cousins and myself were close in age therefore I could not be a baby, or at least not any more a baby than anyone else. Lastly, I determined that the comment about me crying was unwarranted because in my opinion I cried an appropriate amount for myself. Thus I spent an extended amount of time in frustration and mental contemplation over the claims that I was a cry baby robot. One may ask what my response to being called a cry baby robot was, and (naturally) I cried…and cried..extensive rivers of tears, lol. Like I would literally follow my cousins around insisting that I was not a cry baby robot, all while crying.
Now that I have reached adulthood the irony of the situation is not lost on me, however I think it points to an overarching lesson. The lesson: one can lose oneself in trying to prove or disprove accusations that one internally finds false instead of accepting it with a chuckle and continuing about your business. Sometimes the fight itself becomes the catalyst for downfall as one steps further from oneself attempting to externally prove an internal truth. The expectation of external validation can lead one to contort and/or distort oneself in an attempt to get the world to see you as you see yourself. Self preservation requires that the opinions and perspectives of others not penetrate too deeply into one’s own psyche.
As much as I would like to stop there, there is a deeper meaning that can be assessed. Although my internal logic told me that I was not a cry baby robot, the fact that the statement bothered me to the point of tears, desperation, and self betrayal points to a deeper issue which begs further exploration. Adult me realizes that part of the reason this particular insult stung was because I have a softer personality and I am, in fact, a crier. This truth is further complicated by the fact that I come from a family of gruff stoics who viewed my crying as soft, wimpy, and (frankly) baby-like. I was exposed as not being worthy of acceptance; I was not like others in my family group, and therefore must be (in some way) inferior. Subsequently I sought to toughen myself up and master my problematic crying problem.
My crying problem reared its head again during the course of a romantic relationship. Once again I found myself being assailed for crying, however this time it was by an intimate partner who viewed my tears as weaponized feminine emotion meant to manipulate him so that I could have my way. Once again I laced up my boots and decided that I would not cry. I did not want anything achieved through manipulation and I fundamentally believe in fairness so I was willing to expose and expel any parts of myself that caused distress to others, be it family or some other group. For years I stifled my own emotion because I thought my emotional expression caused imbalance in others…I was willing to forge parts of myself for the greater good, however maturity has shown me that the greater good that I am meant to be a part of will love, respect, and accept me as a whole, integrated person.
Currently I am still working on self acceptance however I welcome and accept all towers that bring me closer to my truest, most enlightened and centered self. However, I am releasing self punishment and shame in favor of acceptance, truth, hard work and genuine alignment. Although I have experienced many hardships that could understandably leave one in rumination, however remaining complacent in rumination only exacerbates the losses and pain that I felt in moments of non-acceptance which robs me of energy, light and joy. Going forward I am choosing myself and that which authentically chooses me, not because of the identification of an exploitable trigger or aspect of my personality, but because I am valued for all that I am as well as all that I am not. I’ve decided to let my freak flag fly and be a proud cry baby robot and I invite others to join me in authenticity.
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