Smiley
Your Friendly Neighborhood Conversationalist
Greetings! I am an aspiring writer and public speaker in the Cleveland, Ohio area. Happy, moody, sarcastic practitioner of awesome; just an opinionated weirdo who seeks to bring people together through meaningful conversations on thought provoking issues.
Smiley’s Story-Why I Write
So, I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a while because, frankly, I feared putting my vulnerability into words. Growing up in Oklahoma, my family quickly coached me to expect and accept the fact that I would often be put last; the last picked for a team, the “I’ll get you next time,” the “you don’t mind, do you,” and I endured that for years. In fact, I settled right into the role of the long suffering, never complaining friend that was loved and accepted for her ability to shrink into the scenery. Ironically enough, strong academic performance and impeccable character eventually manifested a bit of popularity; instead of being the unfamiliar black girl I became the cool, intelligent, chic black token friend. That is, until I moved to Ohio. I was in for quite the shock upon entering an urban school. Here, my academic prowess was viewed as snobby, self righteous apple polishing and, frankly no one had time for my Pollyanna optimism and cheer (side note-I was literally called Pollyanna when I was a child because I was so happy and optimistic, lol). Furthermore, my soft nature, lack of connection/support, and general oddness made me a neon target for the bullies.
People began to immediately lambast me, one teacher even arranged an intervention where the whole class told me how much they hated me because I thought I was so smart and I thought I was always right and they couldn’t wait for me to fail or miss a question. I was crushed but I tried to hang onto my self esteem and morals, but it was very hard not to let the mistreatment get to me, and I gradually became self conscious if not quite insecure. I tried to tell myself that it doesn’t matter, and to turn my attention to the people who liked me, however I eventually found myself expelled from my friend group by a jealous female who first sought to control me, and when that didn’t work turned my “friends” against me. I realized the people that I would defend tooth and nail secretly harbored jealousy, and I get it, I had a competitive streak that could shake a person’s security, however I was kind and empathetic. Subsequently, I began holding my tongue, letting others answer or take the lead and accepting whatever I was given without complaint but ultimately it had little impact because I think deep down they knew that I was restraining myself, and some found sport in dominating me. I shrank further into myself and found myself intimidated by the aggressiveness of the city, and hurt by the exploitation of my offerings of love. At the time, I didn;t know what gas lighting was, so when I would pick myself up by the bootstraps, hold my head high, and attempt to make connections through cooperation, understanding, and generosity only to be laughed at, rejected, as my kindnesses were taken advantage of and attempts to curtail the exploitation were meet with intimidation. As I shrank further into myself I found it more difficult to be assertive and my confidence waned.
In college I began to find myself again, as academics had always been my strong suit, plus having a job and apartment allowed me to develop a bit more style. After returning to Cleveland post Katrina, the frustrations of trying to finance school coupled with the lack of opportunity and way of thinking I found myself surrounded in culminated in a bad relationship where I lost even more of my voice. Again, I found myself the victim of gaslighting, although I still did not know what it was at the time. The situation came to a head when we had a child, and he passed away. At that time I found it very difficult to hold on to my faculties, and I was disappointed and broken by the lack of support and understanding within the community. The old questions resurfaced; why are we like this, why do I see so many people whom I believe have the capacity for good, yet they are behaving in such unevolved, self centered ways? I couldn’t believe that this was the natural order of temperament, so I began to put a lot of thought into human behavior, and why the responses that I received were such. Eventually it occurred to me that this country is still deeply damaged by the institution of slavery, particularliy in the mind; what we think, expect, and how we react. People are operating from the lower self which says take what you can, never show vulnerability, love is exploitable, and fear is a powerful motivator. It’s every man for himself, with small groupings of people with assigned roles, often controlled with fear of expulsion. The understanding of community en masse has been broken, and the idea that individuals should support each other to create a healthy synergy is non-existent.
Deep down I’ve always been a writer, although I have avoided it like the plague, lol. Don’t get me wrong, I will “write something” but I have been avoiding those deep down in the soul, vulnerable stories, and perhaps I still haven’t gotten there yet. Even when I’m made, I try to be fair and considerate, regardless of the wrongs that I feel occurred. Perhaps this post is me granting myself permission to let it out and just go off. Either way, writing this has allowed me to release my frustration and present my voice without being talked over or invalidated. These words remain solid and true regardless of if anyone reads them or not. Sometimes I find this path so frustrating; I want to lash out at the extreme burden that I face for so little reward, but I remember the eternal truths that I see, and I hold to them and try to bring that light to whomever I can by using my gift for communication. When my son died I made a promise to him and all that came before or will go after, that I would make an effort to change this world; to help people have more meaningful connections and live in a higher consciousness, and I intend to. More and more I see the collective consciousness shift, and if we keep believing and standing back up regardless of the blows we will shift this consciousness towards a positive collective, and that is a beautiful thing.
Ashe’
Certified Conversations 